I LOVE HOW YOU LOVE

....and only by sharing can we understand love

Have you ever told someone that you love him or her? Has anyone ever told you this? What did you mean by the statement "I love you"? And, what do you think the other person meant? We can love people who mean a lot to us: our parents, our siblings, our relatives, our close friend, our spouse, etc. To those who are loved, the message is, I find you to be a worthwhile person. We often express love in different ways. Besides verbally, we might express it by doing special things for our loved ones, like bringing them their favorite food, accompanying them to buy clothes, or writing them letters, poems, or perhaps songs.

My Level Of Maturity That Counts

The type of love we have for others is closely associated with the level of maturity we are at when we love. The more mature we are, the higher level type of love we'll have.

Low level type of love

The low level type of love occurs when we....

• are intensely absorbed with the other person. We love with exaggerated attachment to the person: I'd rather die than live without you. Stress and tension are often produced. A certain amount of ambivalence, then, is likely to enter the relationship. It is when love and hate collide: I can't live without him and I can't live with him either. This style of loving is more like an addiction rather than love, where our emotions are ruled by the other person's action: When you treat me like a queen, I feel ecstatic like being in the heaven, but when you ignore me, I feel depressed like being in hell; I can't imagine how my life would be if you ever leave me. The message is: I love you because I depend on you (to make me feel worthwhile).
• exploit the other person in order to satisfy our personal needs. Our real concern for the other person's welfare is in question. We are likely to be enthusiastic in loving only when things suit our personal needs:...oh honey, how sweet of you doing such a nice thing to me. I love you so much. I'll be everything you need.... But when we see that there's no chance to fulfill our needs, our enthusiasm (in loving) decreases either gradually or drastically:...Can't you hurry up? Why take so long? I'm getting tired and i've got lots to do! We also often claim that we are concerned for the other person while we actually are concerned for ourselves. For example, using love as an excuse, we demand the other to do what we think, he or she should do without being concerned about what he or she thinks and feels. Here, our focus is not really on the other person's welfare, but more on the positive feelings we'll experience if the person meets our standards. This is reflected in the way we force the person to do things our way, and our hurtful reaction to the person when he or she fails to do what we want: Why do you wear that silly yellow dress? I told you that your complexion doesn't match that color at all! I love you and only want what's good for you, but you never seem to listen to me! Great! Now everybody's gonna laughed at us! We love with conditions: I'll treat you lovingly if you.... Here, the message is clear: I love you because I need you (to help to fulfill my personal needs).

High level type of love

The high level type of love occurs when we....

• do what it takes to love and be loved. We recognized the need for love, for giving love as well as for receiving it. That means, we are willing to give up our own thoughts and interests for a while to be able to give complete attention to the other person: Well, it's okay if you don't feel like it. I can see that you need to do another thing. What is it? Let's see what I can do to make it more enjoyable and comfortable for you. Our efforts are manifested in our increased ability to care, respect, and be responsible for the person. And this is most likely to strengthen the person's love for us which is usually expressed in words: I love how you love me. This, in turn, will strengthen the harmony of the relationship. The message is: I need you (to give my love as well as to be given yours) because I love you.
• do what it takes to fulfill our highest-level nature as a human being through loving. We have a genuine concernfor the other person's welfare without expecting anything in return: Whether you care about me too is not a big deal. To me, it's not how much I can get, but how much I can share that counts. It is a form of idealness to empty ourselves of our own concerns in order to make room for the other person's. For us, this selfless love gives meaning and purpose to our life. The message is: I care about you (and I always will, no matter what) because I love you.

This Is What It Takes To Love

A relationship built on mature love has the following elements:

• Knowledge involves efforts to understand the uniqueness of the other person. It is not just superficial attachment but it goes beyond initial impressions, fascination, fantasy, or sexual feelings.
• Care involves concern about the other person's welfare: interests, health, growth, and stability. It also means sharing the other person's feelings of joy and pain.
• Respect involves acceptance of the way the other person is. It is not fear for or homage to the person. But it means appreciation of him or her as a whole person in his or her own right.
• Responsibility involves "response-ability" which means the ability and readiness to respond to the other person's needs. This doesn't mean running the person's life nor taking care of all his or her needs. Rather, it is an attempt to do what it takes to establish harmony in a relationship.

This Is What I Must Have

To practice a high level type of love which is reflected in a mature loving relationship, here are what we should have:

1. Sensitivity. We take time, energy, and desire to care about how the other person feels, and understand his or her day-to-day experience.
2. Open communication. Everything that bothers each other is communicated or expressed, so that it doesn't block closeness that may lead to misunderstanding and we have an opportunity to come up with a solution that is okay for both sides.
3. Transparency. A certain degree of self-disclosure is established. We are able to say where we hurt, and the things we fear, as well as what we cherish and aspire after. We are able to express joy, despair, fury, and irreverence without worrying about the impression we are making. We are willing to be vulnerable.
4. Respect for autonomy. There's acceptance of the rights of the other person to believe and behave according to his or her own standards. We don't require that the person, in order to be loved by us, meet our conditions for values, attitudes, and actions.
5. Rhythm. When we love, we tend to idealize the other person, but there are times when we find that the person is doing things we consider far from ideal. So, there is a period of conflicts or problems which may temporarily increase the tension in the relationship. This period of insecurity, then, is followed by a secure time of harmony, and so it goes on.

I Want To Love At A High Level

There isn't any formula for loving. We just need to learn to love by paying attention to and doing what has to be done. Here are some perspectives that can help us do "what has to be done": Develop insight and empathy for the other person's concept of love.

Each person needs to be loved in his or her special way. And the very first step to do that is to know his or her concept of love, then empathize with it, even though we don't feel the same way. That means putting ourselves in the person's shoes long enough to understand the way the person thinks, what is important to the person, what excites and depresses the person, and what the person's most intimate thoughts and feelings are.

A: I can't wait to go camping with my old buddies next week. Can you go with us?

B: Wouldn't I intefere with your having fun with them? Just go and have a good time with them. It's fine with me.

A: Well, okay.

Neither A nor B realizes how disappointed and unloved the other feels. A needs B to come along, so his having a good time would be complete and is so disappointed with B's rejection. B, not being sure A's invitation is sincere, decides to back out and thinks that the decision makes A happy. It is difficult to voice emotional needs when we're not sure what they really are. So, patience, sensivity, and the realization that no one can magically know our secret thoughts are required. Mutual disclosure, then, is the key.

Analyze our own expectations of love and those of the other person's.

Everyone has certain ideas of what love is supposed to be and these ideas may be different from one person to another. These are the things to question:

Are our expectations realistic? All too often expectations are too rigid, impractical, over-romantic, or unattainable. Can we admit that we have been expecting love to mean total happiness? Continuously exciting experience of spending time together? Immediately fulfilled wishes?

Are all expectations clear and explicit to each other?

A: Why did you leave that evening?

B: I meant to give you privacy to enjoy being with your friends.

A: No.... I wanted you to stay and join us. I hate it when you leave me like that!

Emotional disappointment clearly indicates that we expected some sign of love that we didn't get; or that we got a response that we didn't anticipate. We often create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are clearly understood and shared by the other person. The fact is that many expectations haven't been explicitly stated or announced, but we nevertheless bring them to a particular situation. So, it's important to get expectations out on the table: What can I do to make you feel loved? This is what you can do to make me feel loved. And let's meet in the middle!

Be flexible

A: Will you stop smoking? The smoke harms me, and yourself too!

B: I'm trying! You know, it's just a matter of time...(but going on smoking)

A: You said you were quitting smoking...

B: I just can't! Look if you really love me, you would take me just the way I am!

Although the changes the other person asks us to make may actually be good for us as well as for the relationship, many of us are unwilling to make the efforts to change. Clinging to an unfulfilling relationship (due to our rejection to change as the other person requests) seems safer than doing something that might "rock the boat". So it's important that we be willing to adapt the way we show love to meet the other person's image of loving behaviour. We can negotiate change by talking frankly and specifically about why we seek change, what goals the change will achieve, what advantages or disadvantages will occur to each if the change is made, what compromises might be pu into effect.

Think of change not as giving something up, but as a way of getting rewards.

I do many things I know she enjoys even though they seem silly to me. But I get tremendous pleasure out of her reaction...

Emotional commitment is the basic tie that holds a loving relationship. Even when empathy and communication don't come easily, the bond of love can still grow as long as we and the other person continue to offer each other increasingly stronger signs of dedication, loyalty, and trust. That means recognition of the other person's special needs and willingness to work together to create true intimacy.

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