"YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A VICTIM UNTIL YOU FORGIVE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER SOMEONE DESERVES FORGIVENESS; YOU DESERVES TO BE FREE"
WHY NOT FORGIVE? IT FEELS SO GOOD!
I'M SO MAD
The friend who has backbitten us. The spouse who was unfaithful . The boss who promoted someone else out of favoritism when we have the ability. The colleague who gave nasty opinions about us that could ruin our reputation. Such people inflict pain on us that may take some time to heal. We find ourselves feeling hostile, bitter, and resentful. We say the worst things in the worst way, or we just sstand in glowering silence. Days go by and we find ourselves getting more and more resentful. We're waiting for the right time to get even, or we're just wishing we could watch something bad happen to the person, then say "Serves you right! Ha...ha...ha."
"I know it's wrong. But I just can't seem to get over what he did to me: the neglect, the abuse, the irresponsibility, the inconsiderate behavior. Whenever I see him, I start remembering all the bad things he did. I just don't see how I can let go of this!"
A grudge is not the same as simply getting upset. Grudges are usually held over time and most of the time have to do with a situation in which we believe we were treated unfairly, prejudiced against, or victimized.
I PAY FOR MY GRUDGES
Here are the costs of holding grudges:
Losing control of ourselves
When we hold a grudge against someone, we behave like puppets--jerking and twisting about in response to his or her actions. We give others the power to resent us, to determine our moods. Since we grant other people the right to dictate our behaviour, we don't operate from our own ideas of what is best.
Misinterpreting reality
If we permit our grudges to guide us, we will often behave irrationally because they distort our perception of reality and prevent us from seeing circumstances objectively. With our mind clouded with grudges, we are likely to behave foolishly and this, in turn, will increase the possibilityof losing our self respect.
Becoming more prone to illness
Each episode of grudge adds additional stress to the heart by increasing our heartrate and blood pressure. When this is repeated over and over, we may end up with coronary artery disease. Long term grudges may also lead to ulcers, high blood pressure, premature aging, or any number of stress-related diseases.
I FORGIVE YOU
It may be very difficult to admit that we only have ourselves to be responsible for our own emotional welfare. We're so in the habit of looking outside ourselves for the cause of our emotional pain. You make me so mad! You really disappoint me! You hurt my feelings! When we are hurt, we usually feel powerless and think that our resentment can compensate for it. We feel more in charge when we're filled with anger.
Actually, saying the words I forgive you instills a much greater sense of power. When we forgive, we reclaim our power to choose. We are able to release the pain coming from the grudges we carry within.
A few years ago, I established a friendship with a boy at school. He was smart, sensitive, serious as well as humorous adn therefore fun to be with. Our relationship was getting closer and I began to trust him. I confided in him, telling him my personal problems, and so did he. I did him favors and he did me too. We really had good times. One day he said to me that he wanted me to be more than just a friend. I, who considered him just a friend, couldn't take that. He became angry and was no longer the same person to me. I felt betrayed when finding out that his being nice friend to me all these years was not genuine because, in fact, he wanted "something" from me. I felt even more hurt when , later on, I found out from some friends that he had revealed my vulnerable, personal secrets and said unpleasant things about me behind ny back. The worst thing was he spread a rumor that I was a wicked girl who was in the habit of approaching boys just to use them. I was so angry that I felt like killing him. But over the months, I was able to work out through my anger, and finally reached the point where I could accpet his imperfections that were so painful to me. Now I am able to deal with him as he is, not as I wish he could be.
Forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook. It releases us from someone else's nightmare, so it's about pulling the knife out of our own guts. To forgive doesn't mean to give in: it means to let go.
I LEARN TO BE FORGIVING
Here are some perspectives to help us learn to become a forgiving person:
Get in touch with our thoughts at the time resentment begins
It can really annoy us to see other people behave like fools. So learn to give those people the right to be fools in their own fashion. All they are doing is playing the game by the rules, as they understand them. Our demand that they change their behaviourwill simply prolong our resentment.
Practice with minor hurts
Forgiving a stranger who inflicts a slight on us, a friend who keeps us waiting for hours, or a driver who cuts us off can prepare us for the tougher task of forgiving major hurts.
Free ourselves from bad feelings
Have someone we trust let us vent our anger or disappointment. Perhaps, keeping an anger journal, punching a pillow or taking cooling-off walks can help. Just take care to avoid negative expressions of anger that can make things worse.
Stop viewing anger as natural or human
Keep in mind that even though expressing anger is healthier than storing it up, not having it all is the healthiest choice of all.
Develop a rich sense of humor
Laughter and anger are mutually exclusive and we have the power to choose either. So, stand back and observe ourselves and others in this nutty world to find the funny side of it. This can alleviate our resentment and make forgiveness easier.
Get rid of our expectations
It is unrealistic to expect others to always behave the way we want them to because their concepts of appropriate behaviour may be radically different from ours. And since our resentment is mostly a result of unmet expectations, letting go of the expectations we have for others will, by itself, eliminate these negative feelings.
Be assertive if confrontation is necessary
Spell out the truth of what happens as we experience it, without yelling, blaming or judging. Use the "I" messages. I feel...when you...; I don't understand...why you..., etc. Describe the impact the person's behaviour has on us, and express our desire to hear his or her feelings and get the issue resolved.
Listen with empathy
Truly listen to what the other person has to say in response to our assertiveness. Try to understand how the other person sees things and how he or she feels about them. Our ability to undersatnd will widely open the path that leads to forgiveness.
Just forgive if it's not worth it to confront
There may be times when confrontation isn't safe nor necessary. Actually, we don't have to face the person at all. Forgiveness can occur without anyone's involvement or awareness. The people we forgive may never realize they have wronged us or never know we have forgiven them. The important thing is that we let go of all grudges we carry within.
Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting
Do not fool ourselves into believing that we feel okay about something we actually find not okay. We cannot forget hurts, nor should we. We can dislike something and still don't have to be resentful about it. Those hurts teach us not be hurt again and not to hurt others.
Turn everything over to the care of God
Turn to our faith in God and live by it. The act of forgiving may be more than any of can manage on our own.
I FEEL GREAT
When we don't forgive, our resentment toward the people who hurt us gets in the way between them and their conscience. Our ruthless, combative or ignorant attitudes and behaviour will only make them think they have reasonable excuses to treat us the way they do. So, instead of working with their own conscience, they'll just defend and justify their hurtful behaviour toward us. This can be a roadblock for them to change.
But when we truly forgive, we open a way between them and their conscience. Hopefully, they will feel the power of the good example we show and respond in kind. But whether they do or they don't, forgiveness is the best gift we can give ourselves because it cleanses our hearts and allows us to live in peace. So it's like throwing away a crutch we have learned for years. At first we may feel uncomfortable, but the longer we are without it, the stronger we grow.